Recently in Assorted LOLs Category

Watching Isabella Rossellini play a snail getting it on:

And yes, your humble author is probably both lazy and entranced enough to stretch out the whole series into 10 different blog posts. Do check out the Fly episode.

"Multiple parallel packet routing. Ten times the usual nodes. Whoever sent this is trying very hard to cover their tracks."
   -- Computer expert, Fringe

In addition to making excellent pianists, hamsters often display considerable talent on the golf course.

Longtime readers of Total Shite will know that we have been following the Hamster on a Piano story from day one. Now it seems a new twist has been thrown our way - allegations of hamster abuse directed at the small rodent's owner, who remains unnamed.

Hopefully if these allegations (namely: that the popcorn was buttered, and that butter is bad for small rodents) are true, the owner will be brought to justice. Hamster/piano owner: please come forward and clear the record. Was the popcorn, as per PETA accusations, buttered? Or popcorn au naturele, perhaps? Did you use I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and/or margarine?

The News Team would also appreciate some expert opinions regarding the safety of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter or margarine for hamsters (and salt, personally we can't stand popcorn without salt). And from philosophers and bioethicists: If the popcorn does shorten the hamster's life span, is this offset by any accompanying improvement in quality of life?

Email NOW at totalshtdotcom@gmail.com.

Mongoloid* that I am, I thought it'd be clever to write up a script to find the links on Twitter that people (Twits?) are most likely to deem "funny", etc. Perhaps this would open the way to replacing Total Shite's large and expensive staff with an AI, while leaving our many fans none the wiser. Unfortunately, relying on the intelligence -- or sense of humor -- of crowds to teach a robotic blogger does not seem to be a winning proposition. While it'd certainly help if I knew fuck-all about Artificial Intelligence and/or algorithmically determining "funniness", it would help a lot more if everyone on Twitter did not have a retarded sense of humor. For instance, this cartoon received more than a few approving links:

.

As Deepak Chopra told me over dinner last night, "the problem with this awful fucking nightmare of a planet...is that there's just too much negativity." That's why Total Shite sometimes takes a break from posting terrible (or merely lukewarm) things and attempts to highlight the couple examples of sheer genius* that emerge from our disgusting culture every leap year or so.

Here are some important works that will hopefully dampen the contempt that future archaeologists feel towards us when they discover Youtube:

• A cartoon about paying for things with spiders
• A show about "pirates" who risk their lives by traveling to the middle of Antarctica to harass and throw things at Japanese whaling ships
• Animated "Get Your War On" cartoons
• Cat in a bottle
• 2 Pumpkins 1 Cup (this list went downhill pretty fast...may G-d rain fire down upon us all)

* "Shear Genius" is not one of these (note the spelling).