Douchebag 2.0

Are you a bit of a tool, but perhaps just a little too tolerable a person to get noticed? Do you ever suspect that you lack the requisite level of douchiness to succeed in the business world?

Perhaps you should consider joining UpMo, the self-proclaimed "GPS [for] Your Career!"¹, and the first social network to foster obnoxious behavior not out of naivete or poor design, but as an express part of its mission statement. To this end UpMo offers an "emulation engine", by which you will be able to "add to your repertoire the tangibles and intangibles your UpModel used to further his or her career". Another key feature: the "Network Readiness Evaluator", which will tell you whether or not your loser friends make you look good by comparison.

The whole thing is a great idea, but hardly a forward-thinking one in times like these. Luckily, and as it so happens, Total Shite is currently seeking venture capital for our new software-as-service networking and personal development tool, Ratatui, which teaches you how to be the one to catch the last rat.

^{1. Also trademarked, and thereby hopefully innoculated from regular use: The Networking Habit™}