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Digg It!"Up on a cross, looking down,
My arsehole is the sea, in it you'll drown..."-Alien Sex Fiend
December 2008 Archives
In addition to making excellent pianists, hamsters often display considerable talent on the golf course.
Longtime readers of Total Shite will know that we have been following the Hamster on a Piano story from day one. Now it seems a new twist has been thrown our way - allegations of hamster abuse directed at the small rodent's owner, who remains unnamed.
Hopefully if these allegations (namely: that the popcorn was buttered, and that butter is bad for small rodents) are true, the owner will be brought to justice. Hamster/piano owner: please come forward and clear the record. Was the popcorn, as per PETA accusations, buttered? Or popcorn au naturele, perhaps? Did you use I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and/or margarine?
The News Team would also appreciate some expert opinions regarding the safety of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter or margarine for hamsters (and salt, personally we can't stand popcorn without salt). And from philosophers and bioethicists: If the popcorn does shorten the hamster's life span, is this offset by any accompanying improvement in quality of life?
Email NOW at totalshtdotcom@gmail.com.
Total Shite's vote for winner of this year's AVN awards:
Combine the nubile staff of Sun Microsystems, high-quality funk music, discussions of the ZFS filesystem and power management features, and you've got the most sensual thing committed to film this year (and possibly ever).
Mongoloid* that I am, I thought it'd be clever to write up a script to find the links on Twitter that people (Twits?) are most likely to deem "funny", etc. Perhaps this would open the way to replacing Total Shite's large and expensive staff with an AI, while leaving our many fans none the wiser. Unfortunately, relying on the intelligence -- or sense of humor -- of crowds to teach a robotic blogger does not seem to be a winning proposition. While it'd certainly help if I knew fuck-all about Artificial Intelligence and/or algorithmically determining "funniness", it would help a lot more if everyone on Twitter did not have a retarded sense of humor. For instance, this cartoon received more than a few approving links:
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Continue reading Update: The internets are still full of fucking morons.
Once I went to Montreal and it was terrifying. The place is full of thug rappers like this:
I recommend that Canada and all other countries which hope to avoid the scourge of gangster "culture"* immediately ban the practice of referring to municipal services by their initials. Imagine 50 Cent having to repeatedly enunciate the words: "New York Police Department, Los Angeles Police Department, You a motherfuckin' snitch, huh?" Like the practice of disemvoweling, this would take all the bite out of Mr. Cent's hateful anti-cop lyrics without impinging upon his unfortunate right to say what is on his mind.
Perhaps if my policy were already in place, innocent Canadians would no longer be afraid of riding the TTC (or should I say, afraid to "get on the Toronto Transit Commission, get on the Toronto Transit Commission...)"
Wouldn't be so catchy then, would you Randal Paul?
Breaking news update: Responding to pressure, the gentlemen-rappers have removed the word "fag" from one of their lyrics. Meaning that Canadian rap suffers from the dual scourges of gangsterism AND political correctness gone amok.
* Please do note that I put "culture" in quotes here, this is because culture properly understood is the opera, discrete use of non-rock cocaine, music written by Nazi sympathizers, and the company of the sort of women that gentlemen like myself might befriend on LateNightShots.
