July 2008 Archives

• 1108 Thugz
• Futuristic Sex Robotz
• JewB and MilkyWhyte
• l0de Radio Hour

The gentleman who wrote the above track once robbed a McDonald's. Now he's writing viral marketing jingles for them. Sellout.

An anonymous reader sends in the following, from the New York Post:

SPICY & 'MICE-Y' CHILE

Where's the mouse?

Two angry Wendy's customers are suing the fast-food giant, claiming they found a dead rodent in their bowl of chili.

This is absolutely revolting for a couple of reasons. First, and even putting the pathetically forced rhyme aside, "Chile" is a country, not a food. This would perhaps be an acceptable (American English) spelling if the subject were the chili pepper, but the article text itself makes clear that this is not the case. Second, a more reputable paper would have at least included a recipe sidebar.

This site is now the #2 Google search result for "cop raper". While the average Total Shite reader is a smiling white New England vacationer who comes from a household with $400K+ of disposable income, the growing Cop Raper demographic is particularly affluent and influential.

Although we look forward to hearing from potential advertisers, please note that our rates are very steep and that chances are we don't want to help you market your products anyway, you filthy corporate pig.

I just adore heavy metal music. But why must it be so loud and angry?

IO Digital has won widespread critical acclaim for "4448", but some commentators have criticized the group for its heavily Marxist message.

Link

This is probably the only decent thing that has been or ever will be linked to on the internet so stop reading and watch it. If you need subtitles to tell you when to laugh or shit yourself you can probably wait for them to release the American version starring Will Ferrell and the annoying broad from Friends.

Tagged "broads, guns, and Cadillacs", this is quite possibly the best rap video ever made. I am so sorry.



By Jack Terror, the visionary responsible for "Cop Raper".

As always the comments are the best part*:

• "wow thats only a small croc like to see how tough a leopard is against a fully grown one"
• I bet the croc got the upper hand and killed the leopard, after all it didn't show a dead crocodile, just it being tackled by a large cat, crocodiles survive almost any injury.
• "STFU you two, the leopard won, check the website, and it proves shit about which one is the "better" predator, they're both amazing creatures and the photos are awesome."

Via The Huffington Post

*though if you don't like them, you can check out YouTube Comment Snob, which removes poorly-written, profane, all-capitalized, all un-capitalized, and excessively punctuated comments (read: all of them).

This BBC guy is terrible at speaking American. (via Joshua Keating at Foreign Policy)

Britney Spears, on the other hand, is awesome at speaking British, and doesn't even work for the BBC:

"I used to smoke crack in there. But I won't even go inside that thing now. It's disgusting."
-- Woman quoted by the NYT, talking about a Seattle public toilet

Via Slate.

Well, I'm finally getting around to reading it:



Not done yet, so please: no spoilers.

Much ado has been made of be-mulleted fashion designer Apollo Braun's "Obama is My Slave" shirt. But far more worrisome (besides the mullet) is that this guy -- by all appearances, an actual human being -- talks exactly like Sacha Baron Cohen's "Bruno", or perhaps one of his interview victims:

Braun told me that "as an artist my job is to say whatever the fuck I want. I'm an agitator, this is what I do." He further added "My shirt isn't about Obama, it's about freedom of speech." When asked if he was a racist Braun answered "I'm not a racist! I love black cock!" And his reaction to Sieradski's post and t-shirt? "Dan Sieradski is fabulous, I love him! He is free like me to express whatever he wants to!" So who is Braun voting for? "I am voting for Britney Spears. She is the face of America."

In any case, you can take a far more economical stand for free speech (Braun's designer shirt sells for $69 in SoHo) by ordering an official KKK shirt here. Cost: $17.

Titling a science article something like "Human Speech Traced to Talking Fish" naturally leads to certain expectations. But because science is really fucking boring, such expectations are usually dashed against the rocks pretty quickly. In this case, "talking" apparently means that::

After building a nest for his potential partner, the male midshipman fish calls to nearby females by contracting his swim bladder, the air-filled sac fish use to maintain buoyancy. The sound is a hum, something like a long-winded foghorn. Female midshipman dig it, and they only approach a male's nest if he makes this call.

This, needless to say, is shite. We all knew already that various lesser critters could make noises of many kinds.  An ant once crawled into your humble author's ear and it made a lot of noises--possibly involving a swim bladder--but it would be a stretch to call these noises "talking".

Move over, Long Island Ferry Blog: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog just might rival you for sheer awesomeness.  The new web-only series starring Neal Patrick Harris as a mad scientist/supervillan is Rocky Horror with the camp toned down to the usual Whedon level, and the LOLs turned up to high.  Recommended.

Image from: "Roger Ebert denies thumbs ban on syndicated show" (CBC/Dom Najolia/Chicago Sun-Times/AP)

The internet has always been a haven for obsessives, nerds, and autistic savants, but sometimes the singularity of a blogger's obsession with his or her chosen topic forces one to give pause.  Is this a nerdy blogger, or a parody of a nerdy blogger?  Feel free to ask yourself this question while reading "pencil talk", which thrills with writing implement reviews that reach their dénouement in sentences like:

• "If you shake the pencil, the pushbutton makes a slight rattling noise. That is the only (very minor) thing I don't like about it."
• "I would call it an unexceptional pencil."
• "A mighty fine interpretation of a traditional pencil."
• "Don't forget the Dube article, which shows this medium does not do well at surviving humidity or moisture. It would seem to be a very unusual choice for official documents."

Also see this Amazon review of Bic pens, which I fear may be somewhat tongue-in-cheek.

Stolen from B3ta, as is often the case.
Photo by lusi on stock.xchng

Rappers have expressed their animus towards the police in a number of ways over the years. There's NWA's famous, FBI bulletin-prompting track, Ice-T's "Cop Killer", KRS-One's sound of tha Police, and a bunch of others that I will not plagiarize from here. Certain of these songs express some concern in re: sexuality ("I don't know if they fags or what, search a n*gger down and grabbing his nuts"), in general suggesting a fear of homosexual acts. And most gangsta rappers have made clear at one time or other their vehement dislike for those not fully heterosexual. These rappers seemingly posit that hating on the gays and hating on the police are two fully compatible acts, with absolutely no tension between the two.

Is, without a question, the Staten Island Ferry Blog. I do not take the Staten Island Ferry, nor would I want to, because I do not want to go to Staten Island or be on a ferry with a bunch of overly-made-up wankers. This makes it all the more important for myself, and anyone in my position, to check daily to find out whether the ferry was late today, or whether a ferry-blogger was late to get the ferry. Otherwise one wouldn't know shit about the Staten Island Ferry, and what kind of state of affairs is that?

Even if you're a moron who doesn't care about the ferry, some good points are raised in the reader responses here to a post about the stupid fucking "waterfalls" now surrounding the Brooklyn Bridge. No one comes out and says that this "public art installation" was the stupidest fucking idea ever and a phenomenal waste of resources that would be better spent buying booze for the homeless, but that's the general gist of comments made by the less moronic respondents.

This open directory hearkens back to that great time in the late 90s when most Flash animations were barely smoother or more fancy than animated GIFs.  Today's Flash has all kinds of blurring options and crazy camera stuff (with 3d effects forthcoming in the latest release).  It is what Star Wars Episodes I-III are to ASCII animations of the original trilogy (which is to say, shite).  To teleport back to the days when Flash was really Flash, goddammit, check out Lesko.swf.

Remember the good times, way back during the Duke lacrosse scandal? Via MrQaz at b3ta comes this unfortunate televised misunderstanding captured during the events of last year:

This shirtless guy built a device to remotely taser bike thieves:

Via BoingBoing

Q: How does one manage to look totally un-badass whilst carrying a submachine gun?

"'Merkle Man' is a funny way of saying I can merk anyone in the scene." And neckle? "Neckle means anything that's good. Seckle means 'chillout.' And meckle I use instead of mental. Everyone's tired of hearing the same old shit. That's why the whole nekkle thing caught on so quickly."

-- Jammer a.k.a. Jahmek the World